- “Well I’ll never run into him again…”
This is the biggest small town in the world. If you have an ex, better make peace with him or her, because you WILL see them again. Probably at Kroger, right before a snowstorm, as you grab all the bread and milk you can hold. Or possibly you will bump into each other on Bardstown Road as you cross paths going from Molly’s to Cahoot’s. You can’t sneak around and do anything in this town; your mom, or your preschool teacher, or your priest, or definitely your ex will find out.
- “Maybe my allergies won’t be so bad this year.”
Ha, ha ha. If it floats in the air and it’s been designed by nature to stop up your sinuses, it lives and breeds here. We are smack in the middle of the Ohio River Valley folks, and if you don’t like having running nostrils and using endless tissues from late March to June—there is one way to avoid allergies. You can move.
- “I guess I can put away my flip-flops/snow boots now!”
Don’t be ludicrous. At any point in Louisville it could be ice storming like crazy, hotter than the ring of hell where they keep whoever invented traffic jams, or blustery as can be. It is always a good idea to keep your boots, scarves, bikini and shorts at the ready, because you never know when we’ll get an unexplained cold snap or a Zeus level thunderstorm.
- “It’s only about ten minutes to cross the bridge!”
You dirty, dirty liar. You know good and well you’re going to get caught behind some behemoth semi truck going six miles an hour (apparently to admire the gorgeous and oh-so-sludgy Ohio) and probably also some ramshackle van changing lanes every two seconds because the driver can’t figure out how to get to New Albany. Also, don’t forget that once you cross the bridge the rabid Indiana cops are out for your sweet cash if you go even five miles an hour over the speed limit.
- “I’m going to stay in this weekend.”
Are you serious? This is the home of Derby and Thunder. We are the home of the cheeseburger, the hot brown, the worldwide capital of disco balls, the most bourbon-steeped city of all cities. We are not staying in this weekend. So put on some high heels and let’s go out, Louisville!
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